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Transformers 2: The Revenge of Michael Bay

Date: Saturday 5th December 2009
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Warning, this post could contain spoilers, but no one gives a shit!

Some consider Michael Bay (Armageddon, Bad Boys) to be the american version of Uwe Boll (Alone in the Dark, House of the Dead) because he makes horrible "blockbusters". But I think that's a little unfair for two reasons:

  1. He doesn't finance his films by the state, through insurance, and purposefully makes bad films so he can make a profit by writing them off aka The Producers
  2. He is, at least, professional to criticism and doesn't resort to asking critics to a boxing match as long as they are shorter and inexperienced in boxing, otherwise Boll makes some bullshit excuse and pussies out.

Oh, and another thing while I'm on the Boll box, why do you hate Peter Jackson because King Kong didn't have a car chase? What were you excpecting? King Kong to be driving around going "Yo Yo Yo motherfucker" and gunning people down, with a gatling banana uzi, drive-by style??? Actually, knowing your incoherent films, that wouldn't be too far from the truth!

In 2007, Bay released Transformers starring Shia LaPoof (what kind of name is Shia anyway, it sounds like She-Ra's retarded cousin), Megan "wait a minute, here's yet another 3 second beauty shot" Fox, and some returning voices from the original Transformers: The Movie cartoon, like Peter Cullen who voiced Optimus Prime. The film itself was OK, not as brutal as the child scarring original where most of the Autobots were gunned down, never to return, just to promote a new toyline.

And like The Robocop post, there is always a sequel.

I was hoping, like many others, that this would build on the first film and get better.

Urrrmm. No.

I must say, that this is the first time where I spent MOST of the film trying to remember what that cheap knockoff Optimus Prime was called, when the same said character was killed, instead of watching the rest of the film. I also noticed how long this film took to get nowhere fast and then I went back to going "What the hell was that Autobot called?", the last film that made me think about it's length was The Dark Knight but it had the ability to pull me back into the action! not so for the Transformers sequel. There was just too much "comedy relief" (I crack better jokes than that and I'm not even funny!), too many characters - but like Batman and Robin merchandising is always going to make a movie.

Why, of course! Why didn't I realise that.........

Do you remember in Clerks 2 where Randall and Dante are discussing that you shouldn't go "ass to mouth"? Well Bay makes you do that EVERY FUCKING SECOND when Megan "Ooops! My arse slipped again!" Fox appears. Isn't this supposed to be a Transformers film?? Where's the cool robot fighing action, erm, I mean Bay's shakey camera action making you question your age as you just see blurry blobs on the screen throwing inanimate parts at each other. But no, this is from the human's perspective or should I say Megan Fox's rear end. You do realise that being on the big screen is supposed to make you bigger, right? Well the Widescreen Edition won't be flattering for you!

I could talk about the robot heaven scene, but that is going to be labelled as the cyborg ninja scene from Robocop 3, in the way of don't even go there! I will say one thing though, in order to get to the cyborg ninja moment Shia LaPoof had to die, SO WHY NOT FINISH THE FUCKER OFF!!!! At least he wouldn't return to further ruin the Indiana Jones franchise for me, well that should go to George Lucas, but we can't expect miracles.

I did watch the extras from the first Transformers film and I did notice one word being branded around like the latest business buzzword - you know, any bollocks taken from the scrabble dictionary that means absolutely nothing but used to score points on the scrabble board.


Someone should remove that word from his mouth because I don't think he knows what word that means.

By the way, this horror isn't going to end because Bay is going to do Tranformers 3, and if the trailer is any good I may see it. But I'm not holding any hopes that he'll do a good film. It is Michael Bay after all!

Just one more thing. The plot holes.

There is the bit where the oooollllddd Decepticon has the ability to transport the Autobots to Eygpt. You remember that from the original series, right? It was the highlight of their adventures..... anyway, I have a theory about that. The Autobots realised that the plot holes in the film were so large that it could carry them across vast distances without the audience noticing. All they'd need to do is to hit the scenery so hard that it ripped a hole in script-time-space. Perfect!

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